DATING DIARY: The curses of dating…

DATING DIARY: The curses of dating…

Dating. 

Dating in your late 30’s. Well. Let me just say one thing. It seems rather an horrific experience (ha. Pretty strong word there!). 

Obviously I wasn’t in the best place to date for the last few years. Because of my hip crumbling (which of course I have to mention every five minutes but it was a horrible experience) and ending up on crutches and then a zimmer frame. Well it turned out that funnily enough a zimmer frame isn’t a major turn on for most men! Most men my age anyway. 

So.. I’m in my late 30’s. And still in lockdown (basically am never getting out this flat am I?) and I decided to download Bumble. And well I hate online dating. It can be a bit shallow, as well as overwhelming trying to keep up with the messaging. Not to mention the anxiety around meeting IRL (in real life). I of course, would much rather be carrying some books in say… the British Library and bump into a dreamy guy who accidentally knocks them out of my hand.. then… *yeah you know the score*. But! That ain’t gonna happen! So… Bumble it is!

I’d say I’m feeling quite slow to this ‘growing up’ game. I forgot to schedule the ‘get married and have babies’ in to my game plan. And I was (perhaps naively) quite surprised when my girlfriends started dropping like flies.. “I’m pregnant!”.. “we’ll go on that trip again soon though”.. “oh shit.. that’s on hold I’m pregnant again!”… FFS. Well… let’s just say that was an unexpected change to friendship dynamics. 

Especially if you’re the only one in the group who doesn’t go down that road. 

If you were ever enforced to watch Catherine Cookson dramas on a Sunday evening as a kid – pregnancy and giving birth put the fear of God into me. Basically the woman would either die giving birth or would have a knitting needle stuck up her to get rid of the pregnancy. It was set in the 1900’s but still.

I have also never been able to watch CH4’s “One Born Every Minute”. So. Yes. I’m scared to death of being pregnant, to giving birth, to the reality that in todays’ day and age there is a huge chance I’d be probably be a single mother (however that doesn’t concern me as much as it used to). Add a bit of climate change on top of that. And the witnessing of my parents relationship and how one decision affects the rest of your life. Well, yeah it’s all a bit scary.

I have a tendency to attract younger men (hmmmm maybe I’m more motherly than I think hahaha)… and I have been told before that because of my age that ‘oh you’ll probably want babies soon’ to which when I told my male mate he couldn’t understand why I found that a bit offensive. “Well because it’s presumptious”.. “plus it’s a privilege for a woman to have a baby with you and to assume I’d be ‘keen’ to have his was a bit ego-bloody-tistical”.

And so – back to Bumble. (Sorry digressing this post is ALL OVER THE PLACE).

My experience thus far seems to be that the men of my age have mainly been married, had babies and seem to be once burnt twice shy. Fair enough.

Then there are the guys that are married or have girlfriends. And well. There’s ‘girl code’ for one. Not to mention how relaxed can you be if you’re going to be constantly anxious about STD’s. 

I do however, know women who are in this boat and for whom this works for. But I worry that they’re just kidding themselves that they don’t mind the situation. I guess in a way it’s easier to date someone when you know it’s not going to go anywhere. There’s something strangely ‘safe’ in that. Because then. You don’t need to risk, you don’t need to be vulnerable, you know exactly where the relationship is at in a way.

The last time I had a guy in my flat he apparently ‘jokingly’ asked ‘how much I charge’. Told me about his ‘part time girlfriend’. And then acted offended when I told him he was a bit of a c*nt. It is situations like this – where you think you might as well start charging and making some cash out of it all. Or indeed become polyamory. However, neither of those situations would work for me. I don’t think. *Offended much!!?!??!?!

I tend to run some of my more ‘red flag’ dating experiences past my “best mate male friend” with a “is this normal.. I’m not sure I even know anymore…”.

But, look. Let’s face it. We all make mistakes trying to attract the opposite (or same) sex. My buddy told me this story about how he slept with this lady after he had just broken up with his girlfriend and he said that when he ‘finished’ he was on top of her and just blurted out loud “OH I WISH I HADN’T DONE THAT”. Whether she head butted him in response or not I do not know. 

But yes. Dating. It can be pretty terrifying.

I’ve heard men moan (and not in a good way) about how they have felt deceived by women online. They were older/shorter/fatter/uglier than they made out so I decided to be honest on my bumble profile that ‘I’m a few pounds overweight’ due to my hip replacement (has it been five minutes yet?) and trying to get my mobility back on track. I’m trying to shake the ‘I can’t do that until I’m skinny again’. It’s a curse and sometimes a good excuse to avoid intimacy I guess.

So it’s interesting seeing how guys react to this. If I downplay myself. It can only go up from there right?!?!?!

Cue.. the cringe. Why did I just post this on my blog…. heh.

I’m following BodyPosiPanda on instagram. She helps.. BODYPOSIPANDA

If you’d like to write a guest Dating Diary anonymous or not please inbox me at beckiburrows@gmail.com…

BeckiBXx

@ohdearyme

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#DATINGDIARY: TINDER AND PROCRASTINATION

#DATINGDIARY: TINDER AND PROCRASTINATION


“I’m off to the cafe! To start my essay!” I exclaim to my friend. But when I leave my abode I know a part of that’s not true. I have things on my mind – and whether this is a form of procrastination, trying to make sense of the world – or just simply spilling my heart out to a world – that hardly ever listens… well. It’s probably easier than starting my essay right now (I’m currently studying an MA in Human Rights at UCL which is intense to say the least but hey! I know what Jus Cogens means now! ).. 

So back to procrastination. Dating in a large city. And well dating at all – can sometimes feel like a pull push situation. As an independent woman – I feel I’m consistently trying to understand what it actually is men want. Swinging between submissive and dominating I tend to find most guys these days pretty fucking lazy if I’m honest. But then these recent years I’ve generally attracted guys who are younger than me. Maybe that’s it.

After getting a little too emotionally involved with the last guy (who I’m not even sure is properly gone), I do believe it’s better sometimes to just move on and date someone else. Quick.. quick! Quickly. Push those feelings underground! Eurgh. Feelings. Is there anything worse. It’s good when it’s good. But I’m not afraid to say I am not that keen to to feel the  rubbish ones. I DEMAND EUPHORIA! Hmm.

Plus apparently due to my age – I’ll probably want babies soon – so might not be a great choice for him. I was pretty furious the assumption that was made on my age.

Oh yes. I obviously want babies and am hormonal.

So I was swiping on Tinder.

Nah. No. God this is shallow. Wtf is he doing. I am so shallow. I am going to hell. 

“Tinder is all about sex Becki” my friend whatsapp’s me.

“No. No it’s not – lots of people go on Tinder dates.. it’s not all about sex!”…I adamantly reply to my friend. Who is a young 53 year old. But obviously a little old fashioned. Obvs.

I have had only had one previous Tinder date. And he is simply a Facebook friend now. Nothing happened. The end. So I wasn’t too intimidated.

“Do you want to come out for a few drinks?” a guy. A cute guy – looking the spitting image of Billie Joe Armstrong.. asks. OMG IT’S BILLIE JOE.. my subconscious screams. Fit.

“Can’t. Broke lil next week” I reply.

“I’ll pay to go out if you like” he offers. Temptation knocking at the vaginal wall. Can I come in.. 

Wow. I could hardly even get the last guy to buy me a coffee. Hmmm. Hmmmmm.. hmmmmmmmmm “ok… ” I reply.

My friend texts me – “careful it could be dangerous!” he says. Don’t be silly I reply. This is London – it will be a public place – lots of people meet people online..

I get ready. But haven’t heard from him. I look out the window. It’s fucking cold outside. I remember the last guy I dated. And I start to feel too tired. God what’s the point I start to ponder. I look at my phone. Can I actually be bothered with this. I question myself. I get into my bed.

“You want to meet central?: He queries. “hmmm. I think actually sorry but I’m going to cancel…sorry”..

The Billie Joe lookalike texts back. “Ok he replies… “I think you would probably disapprove of me anyway.’

“Why!?” I ask… “I like to stay out late and go wild!”

Oh I laugh. Thinking nothing of that. “Well that’s normal isn’t it on a weekend”

He sends me a picture.

unnamed

“OMG” I reply. Yeah naive. Feeling comfy and relieved that I am in my bed. Shit. That’s a lot for a first date. I think.

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So that was left.. then the next day..

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Vanilla. Interesting. I think to myself. Is that sexual bullying I ask myself. I mean. So fucking what if I am Vanilla. Ice ice baby.

I remember a guy I dated when I was about 26. We were only together for 3 months – when he decided he wanted me to get a strap on. I thought about it. For a second. And I decided that. If I did it. I’m not sure I’d be able to look him in the eye again.

So I got really drunk. Snogged his female flatmate in an ‘anti man!’ moment. And legged it in the middle of the night.

But I do find it rather much when men (when dating) are only interested in one thing. My vagina. Ok – so men like to have sex. So do women. And not every guy you sleep with you want to marry. But still. Do I tell you about my sexual needs pre first date?

And.. isn’t life painful enough without whipping on the first date. Or indeed something shoved up my arse. And I question. In today’s society do we really let intimacy grow? Sex is important. But what about the rest. Friendship. Bit of romance. Then let the whipping commence? Hmmm.

So enough procrastinating. Enough I say!

I delete Tinder. And think.. fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck that one. Fuck him. In the non sexual sense.

And lastly. Be good – stay safe. And remember – whatever you enjoy – it’s cool – as long as you both are consenting adults!

Just maybe some flowers and a whip?

Bx

 

 

 

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DATING DIARY: THE SLEEPER AND THE PIMPS

DATING DIARY: THE SLEEPER AND THE PIMPS


Art on front by Seung-Hwan Oh – the mix interaction of photography and bacteria – “subjects blur into negative space, creating a sort of dystopian nightmare”

He leaned in – and started telling me about his studies. “Harvard”… “I went to Harvard” he smiled. Ooh the studious sort… I thought… that’s pretty sexy. “I’m studying my MBA in London… and ideally one day I want to get married” he leaned in… and stared into my eyes. “That’s really nice” I smiled back. I wondered if his eyes might be a little too close together. I reflected on ‘that’ old saying.. ‘never trust a man who’s eyes are too close together’. Where did that idea come from..? I pondered looking at his face. I wondered how many people born with eyes too close together might be unfairly tarnished with this untrusting brush. Or maybe.. it wasn’t unfair?

His fingers lightly brushed my arm snapping me out of my trance. I watched them dance daringly across… testing the water. He turned to the subject of marriage again. It was a first date so I was suspicious. Was he using my age against me thinking this was what most women my age wanted? What was with the marriage thing?

“I love the park. Will you come for a walk in the park with me on Sunday?” he queried moving his head wistfully and looking at me with wide expectant eyes. “Yeah. Maybe” I answered submissively. “Let’s get some food?” “Sure!” he replied.

Five minutes later we were sat in a nice restaurant… “Halloumi!”.. “Let’s get some Halloumi!” I declared excitedly ordering. Five minutes later the food arrived. And he leant his head in his hands. I thought he was looking down at the food. But slowly…as he looked down…his eyes closed. I took a bit of Halloumi looking on in perverse amusement as his head sank lower. Fuck. Omg. Has he… just… fallen asleep? This is going to be a terrible marriage I reflected. I shook him gently by his shoulders.. trying to awake him from his slumber slightly embarrassed that we were sitting in the middle of a busy restaurant. “Wake up…” I whispered… “Wake up”. He didn’t stir.

“Er yeah so how embarrassing was that” – I declared to my friend. “Hahaha!” she laughed. Some creepy looking guys were staring over at us as we sipped our drinks. It was early in the afternoon… “I’m really concerned we’re going to talk to them.” I declared out loud. One of them walked over. “Would you like a drink.” he asked us. He was a big man with a scary face. “Erm…” we both hesitated looking at each other. He sat down next to us.

“We are from the Ukraine” he smiled darkly peering at us. Nothing about him alluded light. “Oh that’s really nice!” my friend played along. A dark shadow passed over the table. The other guy walked over. “What do you do?” I queried to the other man. Crap question usually but I didn’t care in this situation. “Nothing – I’m a gambler. I gamble a lot of money.” he said looking out of the window. Hmm. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“They’re fucking pimps… seriously I reckon they’re pimps! Don’t trust them” I whispered to my friend as they headed to get a drink. Five minutes later I was putting my coat on. I had an appointment to get to. “I need to go – please please don’t stay with these men for too long…call me???” feeling bad for leaving. “Course” she winked. I ran out and peered back through the window mouthing the words to her MAKE SURE YOU CALL ME…

An hour later I got a text… “All good in the hood – you were right though – one of them came out with it and just told me – they were pimps!”.

“Eurgh” I replied. Shuddering at the memory of them. Disgusted that they had the bravado to think they were worthy of our time… “I think I might stay home for the rest of the year” I texted back.

“For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.”
Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

Recently Becki has recently finished reading and recommends Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E Frankl and finds herself reflecting on the idea ‘what is it that life wants from me?’…

Be good,

Becki Bx

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DATING DIARY: TRUST ME

DATING DIARY: TRUST ME


 

“Human beings are poor examiners, subject to superstition, bias, prejudice, and a profound tendency to see what they want to see rather than what is really there.” — M.Scott Peck

This #DatingDiary was written whilst listening to Friendly Fires.. ‘Paris’ (Aeroplane Remix)

The other day I found myself pondering on all the times a guy had uttered the words… “just trust…me…”. And how most of the time I wished I hadn’t. But I hadn’t heard the words uttered for quite some time until I met an intensely charming ab of steel, personal fitness trainer that oozed sex appeal. The type of guy, that one has to mentally compartmentalize if one should decide to touch. Within five seconds my intuition had summed him up… charming… player.. good for kissing. Too hot to not.

Cue self reflection: as one can start to dangerously question one’s own intuition… perhaps a desire to remain open minded or perhaps in hope… led down the path of self reflection, which gently leads with the opening line of ‘well….maybe he’s different…’. I find myself reflecting on whether I’m being judgemental… or perhaps stereotyping… and end up with YEAH RIGHT. Don’t be so naïve. And I get a grip.

We talk for hours. He tells me about his prison stays. His child out of wedlock. His cat. He tells me how it is to impregnate someone and have no power over the outcome (a story which hits me with a burst of gratitude that I will never have to experience that avenue). His stories are intriguing. I try to reciprocate something of interest. But find it hard to find a story of the same calibre. I resort to the subject of favourite films, which starts a light discussion about the difference between Julie Andrews and Audrey Hepburn as I assure him Audrey Hepburn never starred in Mary Poppins. Light but certainly not as interesting as his war stories.

He tells me he changes his number frequently. He asks for my number. I tell him I don’t know it. But he can have my email. He wrinkles up his nose and looks annoyed as I write it down. I know he won’t email. But he gets his ego stroke anyway.

I later reflect on why I find myself attracted to emotionally unavailable men. How perhaps part of me enjoys being on the periphery of the dating experience… self protection measures that halt one having to get in too deep…

A few days later I check my email. Nothing. And although I expected nothing, I can’t help but feel slightly disappointed. If not for the stories. I guess you can’t force your feelings to act a certain way. Which is an annoying part of being human. But I also feel a slight relief. Aware that he’d be a terrible person to get involved with. Although I do find making amusingly poor excuses for the situation… Maybe he can’t write… always a possibility (Cue: open mindedness).

“What you doing tomorrow?” my friend asks me after a traumatic trip to the cinema to see Carol which was far more depressing than I thought it was going to be.“I’m playing squash!… Some guy on a fitness group on meetup.com asked me if I fancied a game…new ways to stay fit in 2016”.. and she starts to laugh. “What?” I query. “My ex used to randomly email girls and get them to be fitness partners from there.. he said he slept with two of them… he’s probably just trying to meet you!”…

“Oh. Seriously?” I ask. Surprised. YOU ARE SO NAÏVE! My brain shouts at me. I find myself amused. “I haven’t even looked at his pic you know. I don’t even know what he looks like.” I reply contemplative.

I decide to go anyway. I want to play squash.

TBC

ART: Carne Griffiths is raisingmoney for Cancer – you can sponsor him here and have the opportunity to win a piece of art in return: https://www.justgiving.com/Carne-Griffiths-dryathlete2016 a worthwhile cause!

Happy New Year!

Becki Bx

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DATING DIARY: THE LABYRINTH

DATING DIARY: THE LABYRINTH


“Just fear me.. love me.. do as I say.. and I will be your slave” Jareth, The Labyrinth… 

“My kingdom as great.. damn. I can never remember that line.. wait… no wait. Wait a sec. Yep that’s it… you have no power of me!!!Sarah, The Labyrinth 

“I don’t do phone calls I’m shy”…“I wouldn’t travel to your area… I don’t like the tube”…

The guy on a pedestal. He’s a good looking chap. He knows it. You laughed a lot together. A lot of promises made. You try to back off.. but he keeps pulling you back in. Take a chance.. he whispers. Your intuition says no. But he says yes. For him. It’s just the thrill of the chase. Like attracts like. So you take another sip of the demon drink. Red flags pop up… faster than a steroid induced forearm. Love yourself first. The self help world screams. But his eyes gleam with lust. You wonder if he means the words that he says. And as you start to fall you know you have to escape. You are Sarah. Lost in the Labyrinth. This is what you wanted? Wasn’t it? But it’s all just a game. The mask starts to fall. And what you already knew shines through. You chose not to see it. Because it was easier that way. To dream. To fantasize. To hope. But ultimately you choose. Yourself. You have to. Because the labyrinth of love. Takes a little bit of you each time. And the pieces of your heart are not to be scattered.

Choose wisely.

Love, BeckiBx

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