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#DATINGDIARY: TINDER AND PROCRASTINATION

“I’m off to the cafe! To start my essay!” I exclaim to my friend. But when I leave my abode I know a part of that’s not true. I have things on my mind – and whether this is a form of procrastination, trying to make sense of the world – or just simply spilling my heart out to a world – that hardly ever listens… well. It’s probably easier than starting my essay right now (I’m currently studying an MA in Human Rights at UCL which is intense to say the least but hey! I know what Jus Cogens means now! ).. 

So back to procrastination. Dating in a large city. And well dating at all – can sometimes feel like a pull push situation. As an independent woman – I feel I’m consistently trying to understand what it actually is men want. Swinging between submissive and dominating I tend to find most guys these days pretty fucking lazy if I’m honest. But then these recent years I’ve generally attracted guys who are younger than me. Maybe that’s it.

After getting a little too emotionally involved with the last guy (who I’m not even sure is properly gone), I do believe it’s better sometimes to just move on and date someone else. Quick.. quick! Quickly. Push those feelings underground! Eurgh. Feelings. Is there anything worse. It’s good when it’s good. But I’m not afraid to say I am not that keen to to feel the  rubbish ones. I DEMAND EUPHORIA! Hmm.

Plus apparently due to my age – I’ll probably want babies soon – so might not be a great choice for him. I was pretty furious the assumption that was made on my age.

Oh yes. I obviously want babies and am hormonal.

So I was swiping on Tinder.

Nah. No. God this is shallow. Wtf is he doing. I am so shallow. I am going to hell. 

“Tinder is all about sex Becki” my friend whatsapp’s me.

“No. No it’s not – lots of people go on Tinder dates.. it’s not all about sex!”…I adamantly reply to my friend. Who is a young 53 year old. But obviously a little old fashioned. Obvs.

I have had only had one previous Tinder date. And he is simply a Facebook friend now. Nothing happened. The end. So I wasn’t too intimidated.

“Do you want to come out for a few drinks?” a guy. A cute guy – looking the spitting image of Billie Joe Armstrong.. asks. OMG IT’S BILLIE JOE.. my subconscious screams. Fit.

“Can’t. Broke lil next week” I reply.

“I’ll pay to go out if you like” he offers. Temptation knocking at the vaginal wall. Can I come in.. 

Wow. I could hardly even get the last guy to buy me a coffee. Hmmm. Hmmmmm.. hmmmmmmmmm “ok… ” I reply.

My friend texts me – “careful it could be dangerous!” he says. Don’t be silly I reply. This is London – it will be a public place – lots of people meet people online..

I get ready. But haven’t heard from him. I look out the window. It’s fucking cold outside. I remember the last guy I dated. And I start to feel too tired. God what’s the point I start to ponder. I look at my phone. Can I actually be bothered with this. I question myself. I get into my bed.

“You want to meet central?: He queries. “hmmm. I think actually sorry but I’m going to cancel…sorry”..

The Billie Joe lookalike texts back. “Ok he replies… “I think you would probably disapprove of me anyway.’

“Why!?” I ask… “I like to stay out late and go wild!”

Oh I laugh. Thinking nothing of that. “Well that’s normal isn’t it on a weekend”

He sends me a picture.

unnamed

“OMG” I reply. Yeah naive. Feeling comfy and relieved that I am in my bed. Shit. That’s a lot for a first date. I think.

Screenshot_20171111-183338

So that was left.. then the next day..

Screenshot_20171111-181003

 

Screenshot_20171111-181014

 

Vanilla. Interesting. I think to myself. Is that sexual bullying I ask myself. I mean. So fucking what if I am Vanilla. Ice ice baby.

I remember a guy I dated when I was about 26. We were only together for 3 months – when he decided he wanted me to get a strap on. I thought about it. For a second. And I decided that. If I did it. I’m not sure I’d be able to look him in the eye again.

So I got really drunk. Snogged his female flatmate in an ‘anti man!’ moment. And legged it in the middle of the night.

But I do find it rather much when men (when dating) are only interested in one thing. My vagina. Ok – so men like to have sex. So do women. And not every guy you sleep with you want to marry. But still. Do I tell you about my sexual needs pre first date?

And.. isn’t life painful enough without whipping on the first date. Or indeed something shoved up my arse. And I question. In today’s society do we really let intimacy grow? Sex is important. But what about the rest. Friendship. Bit of romance. Then let the whipping commence? Hmmm.

So enough procrastinating. Enough I say!

I delete Tinder. And think.. fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck that one. Fuck him. In the non sexual sense.

And lastly. Be good – stay safe. And remember – whatever you enjoy – it’s cool – as long as you both are consenting adults!

Just maybe some flowers and a whip?

Bx

 

 

 

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#metoo ‘Harvey Weinstein’ sexual assault reflection blog

“Everyone’s got their chains to break
Were you born to resist or be abused? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?” Foo Fighters

So – I wasn’t going to comment on this campaign but.. I couldn’t help but reflect on the discourse going on before me.  Many strangers and friends have been posting the #metoo hashtag on twitter and Facebook. Male friends stating their shock and support at the amount of people coming forward. And getting ‘likes’ in double numbers.

The  ‘Me too’ hashtag isn’t just about creepy dudes in bathrobes, you know.” (The Independent)

Don’t get me wrong – it’s great that this is coming to the forefront and being discussed. However. I started to reflect a bit deeper on the movement last night. Why is it that men or women posting in support are suddenly being congratulated on supporting the sexual assault campaign? Shouldn’t that support be standard anyway.

The #metoo campaign has evolved after concerns to Harvey Weinstein – a ‘once’ powerful Hollywood producer, who now faces allegations of sexual assault/harrassment. This allegedly also includes two of rape.

Weinstein formed the film production company Miramax with his brother. Think – Pulp FictionClerksGood Will Hunting some of your favourite movies right?

Some of these allegations – made by some of the most powerful female celebrities/icons/models on our screens today lead back to more than two decades ago.

So I came to thinking. Of the Jimmy Saville scandal – and of the widespread public disgust that arose from that.

When asked why nobody did anything, Mr Lemmon said: “I suppose because it was Jimmy.” (Telegraph)

And I ask myself the question – WHAT HAS TAKEN SO LONG????!!!? For the world to listen? If even the most powerful women in our society have fought so long to be heard.. (over two decades) what does this say for the rest of the population who have suffered such trauma (male and female).

The #metoo hashtag was actually created by 44-year-old activist Tarana Burke ten years ago. She founded the campaign as a grass-roots movement to reach sexual assault survivors in underprivileged communities. As a way to connect with #survivors with #survivors. (Ebony Mag)

I look to the Hollywood actors and actresses speaking out and starting a much needed conversation as well as many other celebrities that have made their stories of sexual violence known by using the “me too” hashtag, starting a much needed domino effect. And I commend them. And you!

Because it’s an uncomfortable topic. That is ignored all (most/a lot) of the time.

I recently read the recent post on The Independent  which offers an interesting alternative perspective on the matter talks about “being shunned as a whistleblower”.

It seems very easy to write disgust at assault on Facebook and get a few hundred likes but. What will actually change?

Whilst Facebook is a powerful tool – and writing in solidarity is great and that the ‘me too’ hashtag is a good start, I worry that it could dangerously minimalize the importance of the topic if not careful.

And I mean, by forgetting those that suffer in silence. Those whose first validation of exposure – at rape or sexual assault – who might write a ‘#metoo’ post.. that it might be ignored. Or passed by. And those that are perhaps even too ashamed to write the first letter ‘M’ on their social media site.

“According to a study by the NSPCC on young people (aged between 13–18), a third of girls and 16 percent of boys have experienced sexual violence and that as many as 250,000 teenage girls are suffering from abuse at any one time. 12 percent of boys and 3 percent of girls reported committing sexual violence against their partners.” (Wonderslist)

And those that have had to face their perpertrators in court. That are too afraid to speak out. That don’t get their voices heard due to not being passed through the CPS system. Those shunned. Those so overwhelmed with shame to say anything. Anything at all. Despite knowing verbally that it wasn’t/isn’t their fault. And those – too young to even know the words that fit the description of what is happening to them.

“we love celebrities because they are an integral part of culture. They have made it in the worldview we are so entrenched in. By worshipping them (to an extent), we feel as if we are participating in this hugely important cause/belief system. And that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy, and like our life matters” (Pyschology today)

And I question – as this mirrors the whirlwind of the Jimmy Saville scandal once again –  why has it taken a case like Harvey Weinstein’s to get something like this moving? Does it feel more close to home the further away it is? What about the girl or boy next door. Or indeed in other countries.. where women can be sent to prison for being raped.

“With an estimated of 500,000 rape cases every year, the country has one of the highest rate of Rape Crimes in the world. It is estimated that more than 40% of South African women will be raped in their lifetime.”

And I find myself pondering – perhaps – it is those that are famous and on our TV screens – that can actually really change things. And I accept that, that is the way society is built. And I commend the bravery coming from those places. For whilst, these men and women might be ‘famous’ I’m sure the evidence that appears; of the length of time that even the most powerful amongst us struggle to be heard – well. That is very telling. And aren’t we all simply humans?

And so as someone said to me once “you have shamed shame”. And to you I urge… Keep it up. For the path to victory, is rarely linear, let’s hope the Weinstein case will be a change in history for millions of women and men around the world.

And as a friend posted on Facebook after disclosing ‘not that it will actually change anything’. I feel her anger and I too, can quite often retreat into a state of despair. But like he say’s in #shawshankredemption

“Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” #ohDearyme

Peace and love.

Becki Bx

I follow other #survivors on Twitter campaigning endlessly for better rights for #survivors – including Ian McFadyen , Sammy Woodhouse , David Lean who tirelessly campaign for the rights of #survivors and I commend their work.

It is not aimed to offend – just a blog about the general confusion that quite often appears in my head. 

 

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INTRODUCING: MONTRELL ‘MORNING’

“Love is just a language we could never speak..” 

“We were trying to connect with those who often turn to a stranger’s bed to alleviate all the pressures of the contemporary world. People are often waking up next to someone they’ve just met, and almost living out a condensed relationship in a matter of hours. We wanted the listener to be in that room, with that feeling, in the song.”

I first saw this band last year at Wildfire Festival last year.. a small and fun festival in the woods just outside of London. A slightly drunk and friendly Jonny Taylor ambled passed my table with a smile beaming after his set, in the only music tent there. An add on Facebook and a year on (blink and you’ll miss it..) and out of the blue..(I’ve been posting a lot on Facebook about certain current topics) a bit of support of solidarity fell into my inbox. Gratefully received and much more pleasant than the porn I was receiving from strangers…(after my post about the tragic Grenfell Tower tragedy – I had a lot of adds coming from many different countries).

On the tail end of that Jonny mentioned what he was up to currently. His band; Montrell, consist of Jonny P Taylor, Danny Monk, Dave Persiva and Sam Delves and they came onto the London music scene with a sold out show at the Servant Jazz Quarters in Dalston in March (2016?). Their first EP has been released..(above) named ‘Morning’, a song which gets to grips with the idea of ‘disposable relationships’ (more on that later..)..

Influenced by artists ranging from George Harrison and Paul Simon to Foxygen, Cigarettes After Sex and Mac De Marco…the four-piece have been working on their sound in an underground Baker St studio…

Jonny P Taylor’s smooth yet vulnerable vocal sits on top of chorus-dowsed and brittle electric guitars, sitting somewhere in between Indie Pop and Psych Rock.

I love this song. I found it really beautiful to listen to. The mesh of both dark and light.. the loneliness of disconnection, the urge to connect paired with the beauty of story telling.. the self reflection of a sad story but a beautiful way to tell the story.

“The only one I know is in the mirror” .. I wonder how many people feel that.. and do we ever truly know anyone but ourselves…

Montrell play the main stage at ‘Smoked & Uncut’ festival in July.

To book them or for interviews please contact: talktomontrell@gmail.com

Have a great Monday y’all! This week I am going to educate myself on Tennis.. Andy Murray playing today..

Follow them on Spotify HERE

Best, BeckiBXx

@ohDearyme

www.instagram.com/ohdearymeTV

 

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The Grenfell Tower Tragedy

It’s been a very difficult week for a lot of people living in West London. A lot of people have lost their lives in the Grenfell Tower tragedy. And then there are the friends and family that have been directly affected in what has been a very tragic and upsetting event.

As a resident of the Kensington and Chelsea borough – and as a part time volunteer at Citizens Advice – I found myself – in some unexpected situations I could not have predicted.

This included interviewing (very briefly) Mayor of London Sadiq Khan, meeting an amazing filmmaker called Janey Ayoade who was helping a strong activist called Neville by filming his story. Briefly meeting Peaky Saku and his friends working as best they could/can to help. Experiencing Mustafa Almansur attempting to collate and lead a committee (due to the Council not being seen anywhere at this point), and hearing the name Ishmahil Blahgrove spoken everywhere I went (I haven’t met him)… but I think he is a brilliant speaker rising up against the mainstream media.

And then there’s the famous face of Lily Allen. Who I met briefly, obviously deeply upset and passionate about helping and using the voice she has to vocalise what she saw. Maybe (and I can only really speculate) aware of her status and not wanting to make the situation about her. The ‘dancing on the fine line of trying to help and intentions being misconstrued’ and taking a lot of flack from the media – one has to be a very strong character to take that on board. 

And then let us not forget the children affected. Ryan Faraji and Tina Faraji aged 6 and 8. Ryan who lost his best friend Yacob. A voice of perspective for his generation. Too young to understand how powerful his message is to the rest of us.

There is a lot to write about this event. But I will not write it all now. I felt as an independent blogger/filmmaker that it was important to capture what was happening, on the ground. Firstly, because I didn’t feel that the media were reporting it authentically. And secondly, because when these families and residents look back on this. They may want to see and reflect on what went on. One day.

I have noted a few names up there. People trying to help. Let it be noted. There are a lot of people not mentioned here trying as best they can, with whatever they can to help as much as they can. This does not take away from the fact that this event – has affected so many people and has been an extremely tragic and heart wrenching situation. And it will always be about those people affected.

Whether I have done the right or wrong thing with capturing these moments. Well. That is arguable and I questioned that myself. And to be honest I don’t know the answer to that. But I did it with the best intention. An attempt to create a ripple effect in the right direction. I felt it was the right thing to do – whilst the media are putting out heavily edited footage.

The trauma that residents are going through is and will be huge. An Iranian woman that survived passed out during an interview with the BBC whilst describing the event to a reporter (which Kimia Zabihyan who was translating at the time claims was never broadcast). Kimia related that the woman wanted her story to be told. Why? Because it was so shockingly traumatic – almost in an unbelievable way (as in – is this really happening in Great Britain today?) that she felt it was important to tell her story.

But for now – above is a ten minute unedited clip and pictures I took, through my eyes.

Unedited – so that. Well you can make your own mind up.

To all those who have lost their lives. Rest in peace. My thoughts are with those directly affected. I’m sorry that this happened to you.

Best,

Becki BXx

#westlondonstrong #grenfelltower

 

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MUSIC VIDEO: LUCY ROSE ‘NO GOOD AT ALL’
“There’s a fair amount of self-doubt in this song, but positivity for the future too.”
NEW! Video from Lucy Rose for her new single ‘No Good At All’. Taking a step back in time, the video finds Lucy and her full live band performing in a 1970’s TV studio, complete with a pastel colour palette and confetti. The project is Lucy’s second collaboration with Dusthouse who previously produced her emotional video for ‘Nebraska’ which featured none other than Danny Dyer acting in drag. 

Speaking about the song itself Lucy Rose has shared:  “No Good At All is the oldest song on the album and was written just before I went on my first trip to Latin America. When I wrote it, I was kind of feeling that maybe I wasn’t good enough for music and was re-thinking everything. Part of me wondered if maybe somewhere down the line somewhere (my great great great grand-daughter maybe?), there would be a girl who had a little bit of me in her and could achieve everything she wanted. 

“But it’s also got an element of love to it too, finding the one to start a new life with who one day you could settle down with and have a family with.

No Good At All’ is the latest single to be lifted from Lucy’s forthcoming third album ‘Something’s Changing’, following the release of ‘Floral Dresses’ (ft. The Staves) and ‘Is This Called Home’.

Something’s Changing is released on the 7th July through Communion Records. The album will be accompanied by a stunning short documentary, acting as a fly-on-the-wall account of Lucy’s debut tour of Latin America last year. The trip, organised independently by Lucy with the help of her Latin American fans, became a huge inspiration for the record and the film is an intimate account of how it all came together.

The documentary is Lucy’s support act for a Worldwide Cinema Tour, of which she has already completed the Latin American and Indian legs. The UK leg will start in July following Lucy’s performance at Glastonbury festival later this month. Scroll down for a full schedule of remaining Worldwide Cinema Tour dates + all of Lucy’s UK/Irish festival appearances this summer.

Lucy is working once again with her fans and Bandsquare to organise the next phase of her worldwide touring schedule in January 2017. Fans are being asked to vote for their hometown for the chance to help Lucy decide her tour routing, more details available here: https://www.bandsquare.com/campaign/lucy-rose/landing

Watch the documentary trailer HERE and pre-order ‘Something’s Changing’ HERE

LUCY ROSE LIVE DATES:

23rd – 25th June – The Glastonbury Festival
1st July – Barn on the Farm Festival, Gloucester
13th July – Rio Cinema, London SOLD OUT (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
14th July – Duke of York’s Picture House, Brighton (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
15th July – Latitude Festival, Southwold
16th July – Longitude Festival, Dublin
18th July – Tyneside Cinema, Newcastle (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
20th July – The Poly Cinema, Falmouth (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
21st July – The Arnolfini Cinema, Bristol SOLD OUT (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
4th August – Intsikurmu Music Festival, Polva
16th September – Bandwagon Live, Manila, Philippines (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
18th September – The Projector, Singapore (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
25th September – Cine XIII, Paris (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
26th September – Stadtgarten, Cologne (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
28th September – Silent Green, Berlin (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
29th September – Alabama Cinema, Hamburg (The Worldwide Cinema Tour)
1st October – Seven Layers Festival, Amsterdam

Tickets for all headline dates are on sale now via LucyRoseMusic.com

LUCY ROSE: Official Site | Facebook | Twitter | Spotify
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