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Space Dust

I am not God. Apparently. 
Well. That’s what they say. 
But then. Who are ‘they’ anyway. 

It’s only me inside here. 
This body of mine. 
Wondering on how much time I have left to ‘play’. 

If I play my cards right. It could be plentiful. 
But should I remove myself from the pillar… 
…and perhaps use my dreams to help me consider. 
That there is. Another power. Greater than I. 

Look to the moon! The stars! The sky!
The space dust as it floats on by!

Gloriously.
Floats on by. 

Nature knocking humans to their knees. 
That’s what I want to see! 

‘Thou shalt not fritter! 
These gifts you’ve been given!’
The stormy sky screeches 
Nature sets the rules. A flash of thunder! 

I must remember 
Remember to listen. 
‘You are not God’ the Earth whispers. 
No. I’m not I remember. 
As I give in. To nature. 

Becki Burrows, August 2019

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Summers High Clouds

It rained all day
All fucking day
“Learn to dance in the storms” they say.
“Meditate, relax, reflect 
Life has it’s ups and downs”
“Life IS a storm” I say
One big fat ANGRY storm!
I turn my back
And face the wall.
Not today. Just not today. 
With your spot on quotes 
I take a breath. And sigh. 
Because yes. I know it’s good advice. 
But let me wallow a little longer. 
Let me taste the blissful pain 
of the rain as I wonder. 

Ok. I take a breath. 
I’ll learn to dance in the storm.
I say. 

But maybe. Maybe. Just not today. 

Becki Burrows, August 2019

(artist picture Christopher Cuseo)

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POEM: SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED

I am an STD, hidden beneath
Lurking in the unseen,
Shamed for being me
A virus permeating. If you catch me..

You’ll be dirty too, so stay away.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
About my negativity.

But it wasn’t my fault.
It was passed on to me.

I thought it was love.
Well that’s what he told me.

Sharing is caring.
That’s what he’d said to me.

Don’t you.. look at me with your judgmental eyes.

You see… you don’t see.

You don’t really see me.
You just see what you want to see.

Look deep, look down.
Oh yep! There’s the frown.
You look disappointed…
Don’t worry. You can’t be as disappointed as me.

The echo’s get louder.

‘You don’t love yourself’ says he.
‘That’s not true…’ says me.
‘You lied.
You took what you wanted.
You rolled the die.
You left me here.
Did you think I’d cry?’

He laughs. That laugh. Infectiously.

But this time.

I see.
It’s not too late.

‘Catch’ he throws…
‘No thanks’ I reply..

I walk away.

‘How ridiculous’.. I think.
Just then. I thought that STD was me.

Written by Becki Burrows

May 2018

©Copyright owned Rebecca Burrows 2007

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#DATINGDIARY: TINDER AND PROCRASTINATION

“I’m off to the cafe! To start my essay!” I exclaim to my friend. But when I leave my abode I know a part of that’s not true. I have things on my mind – and whether this is a form of procrastination, trying to make sense of the world – or just simply spilling my heart out to a world – that hardly ever listens… well. It’s probably easier than starting my essay right now (I’m currently studying an MA in Human Rights at UCL which is intense to say the least but hey! I know what Jus Cogens means now! ).. 

So back to procrastination. Dating in a large city. And well dating at all – can sometimes feel like a pull push situation. As an independent woman – I feel I’m consistently trying to understand what it actually is men want. Swinging between submissive and dominating I tend to find most guys these days pretty fucking lazy if I’m honest. But then these recent years I’ve generally attracted guys who are younger than me. Maybe that’s it.

After getting a little too emotionally involved with the last guy (who I’m not even sure is properly gone), I do believe it’s better sometimes to just move on and date someone else. Quick.. quick! Quickly. Push those feelings underground! Eurgh. Feelings. Is there anything worse. It’s good when it’s good. But I’m not afraid to say I am not that keen to to feel the  rubbish ones. I DEMAND EUPHORIA! Hmm.

Plus apparently due to my age – I’ll probably want babies soon – so might not be a great choice for him. I was pretty furious the assumption that was made on my age.

Oh yes. I obviously want babies and am hormonal.

So I was swiping on Tinder.

Nah. No. God this is shallow. Wtf is he doing. I am so shallow. I am going to hell. 

“Tinder is all about sex Becki” my friend whatsapp’s me.

“No. No it’s not – lots of people go on Tinder dates.. it’s not all about sex!”…I adamantly reply to my friend. Who is a young 53 year old. But obviously a little old fashioned. Obvs.

I have had only had one previous Tinder date. And he is simply a Facebook friend now. Nothing happened. The end. So I wasn’t too intimidated.

“Do you want to come out for a few drinks?” a guy. A cute guy – looking the spitting image of Billie Joe Armstrong.. asks. OMG IT’S BILLIE JOE.. my subconscious screams. Fit.

“Can’t. Broke lil next week” I reply.

“I’ll pay to go out if you like” he offers. Temptation knocking at the vaginal wall. Can I come in.. 

Wow. I could hardly even get the last guy to buy me a coffee. Hmmm. Hmmmmm.. hmmmmmmmmm “ok… ” I reply.

My friend texts me – “careful it could be dangerous!” he says. Don’t be silly I reply. This is London – it will be a public place – lots of people meet people online..

I get ready. But haven’t heard from him. I look out the window. It’s fucking cold outside. I remember the last guy I dated. And I start to feel too tired. God what’s the point I start to ponder. I look at my phone. Can I actually be bothered with this. I question myself. I get into my bed.

“You want to meet central?: He queries. “hmmm. I think actually sorry but I’m going to cancel…sorry”..

The Billie Joe lookalike texts back. “Ok he replies… “I think you would probably disapprove of me anyway.’

“Why!?” I ask… “I like to stay out late and go wild!”

Oh I laugh. Thinking nothing of that. “Well that’s normal isn’t it on a weekend”

He sends me a picture.

unnamed

“OMG” I reply. Yeah naive. Feeling comfy and relieved that I am in my bed. Shit. That’s a lot for a first date. I think.

Screenshot_20171111-183338

So that was left.. then the next day..

Screenshot_20171111-181003

 

Screenshot_20171111-181014

 

Vanilla. Interesting. I think to myself. Is that sexual bullying I ask myself. I mean. So fucking what if I am Vanilla. Ice ice baby.

I remember a guy I dated when I was about 26. We were only together for 3 months – when he decided he wanted me to get a strap on. I thought about it. For a second. And I decided that. If I did it. I’m not sure I’d be able to look him in the eye again.

So I got really drunk. Snogged his female flatmate in an ‘anti man!’ moment. And legged it in the middle of the night.

But I do find it rather much when men (when dating) are only interested in one thing. My vagina. Ok – so men like to have sex. So do women. And not every guy you sleep with you want to marry. But still. Do I tell you about my sexual needs pre first date?

And.. isn’t life painful enough without whipping on the first date. Or indeed something shoved up my arse. And I question. In today’s society do we really let intimacy grow? Sex is important. But what about the rest. Friendship. Bit of romance. Then let the whipping commence? Hmmm.

So enough procrastinating. Enough I say!

I delete Tinder. And think.. fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck that one. Fuck him. In the non sexual sense.

And lastly. Be good – stay safe. And remember – whatever you enjoy – it’s cool – as long as you both are consenting adults!

Just maybe some flowers and a whip?

Bx

 

 

 

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DATING DIARY: THE SLEEPER AND THE PIMPS

Art on front by Seung-Hwan Oh – the mix interaction of photography and bacteria – “subjects blur into negative space, creating a sort of dystopian nightmare”

He leaned in – and started telling me about his studies. “Harvard”… “I went to Harvard” he smiled. Ooh the studious sort… I thought… that’s pretty sexy. “I’m studying my MBA in London… and ideally one day I want to get married” he leaned in… and stared into my eyes. “That’s really nice” I smiled back. I wondered if his eyes might be a little too close together. I reflected on ‘that’ old saying.. ‘never trust a man who’s eyes are too close together’. Where did that idea come from..? I pondered looking at his face. I wondered how many people born with eyes too close together might be unfairly tarnished with this untrusting brush. Or maybe.. it wasn’t unfair?

His fingers lightly brushed my arm snapping me out of my trance. I watched them dance daringly across… testing the water. He turned to the subject of marriage again. It was a first date so I was suspicious. Was he using my age against me thinking this was what most women my age wanted? What was with the marriage thing?

“I love the park. Will you come for a walk in the park with me on Sunday?” he queried moving his head wistfully and looking at me with wide expectant eyes. “Yeah. Maybe” I answered submissively. “Let’s get some food?” “Sure!” he replied.

Five minutes later we were sat in a nice restaurant… “Halloumi!”.. “Let’s get some Halloumi!” I declared excitedly ordering. Five minutes later the food arrived. And he leant his head in his hands. I thought he was looking down at the food. But slowly…as he looked down…his eyes closed. I took a bit of Halloumi looking on in perverse amusement as his head sank lower. Fuck. Omg. Has he… just… fallen asleep? This is going to be a terrible marriage I reflected. I shook him gently by his shoulders.. trying to awake him from his slumber slightly embarrassed that we were sitting in the middle of a busy restaurant. “Wake up…” I whispered… “Wake up”. He didn’t stir.

“Er yeah so how embarrassing was that” – I declared to my friend. “Hahaha!” she laughed. Some creepy looking guys were staring over at us as we sipped our drinks. It was early in the afternoon… “I’m really concerned we’re going to talk to them.” I declared out loud. One of them walked over. “Would you like a drink.” he asked us. He was a big man with a scary face. “Erm…” we both hesitated looking at each other. He sat down next to us.

“We are from the Ukraine” he smiled darkly peering at us. Nothing about him alluded light. “Oh that’s really nice!” my friend played along. A dark shadow passed over the table. The other guy walked over. “What do you do?” I queried to the other man. Crap question usually but I didn’t care in this situation. “Nothing – I’m a gambler. I gamble a lot of money.” he said looking out of the window. Hmm. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“They’re fucking pimps… seriously I reckon they’re pimps! Don’t trust them” I whispered to my friend as they headed to get a drink. Five minutes later I was putting my coat on. I had an appointment to get to. “I need to go – please please don’t stay with these men for too long…call me???” feeling bad for leaving. “Course” she winked. I ran out and peered back through the window mouthing the words to her MAKE SURE YOU CALL ME…

An hour later I got a text… “All good in the hood – you were right though – one of them came out with it and just told me – they were pimps!”.

“Eurgh” I replied. Shuddering at the memory of them. Disgusted that they had the bravado to think they were worthy of our time… “I think I might stay home for the rest of the year” I texted back.

“For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.”
Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

Recently Becki has recently finished reading and recommends Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E Frankl and finds herself reflecting on the idea ‘what is it that life wants from me?’…

Be good,

Becki Bx

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