My friend had just died and I had witnessed the slow passing and turning off of the machine. It was pretty traumatic. The next day, after I had arrived back in England I woke up with a burning feeling that life was passing me by. Must go out! Must meet people! Must get moving! What the am I doing with my life!!! Ahhhhhh panic!!! That kind of thing.
A few hours later I was at a friends social event in Mayfair of all places. A guy approached me…he took my hand in his, pulled me towards him then twirled me around. His confidence oozed a certain stage presence but I enjoyed it. He was doing well. He started to talk to me and I started well… joking with him. He then made his excuses.. and left to talk to someone else. Another woman. Across the room. Oh dear. What had I said wrong… I thought.
Making a full circle he arrived back in front of me half an hour later. “Having fun?” I queried. “You’re so negative” he replied. Gosh. I’d only been talking to him for ten minutes. But… I contemplated…. he was probably right. “I’m sorry..” I said looking for an excuse for my unacceptable riptaking cynicism “My friend passed away yesterday” I offered up. His face softened.
“Oh” he replied… “lets sit down” he said. So down we sat.
“Let me share something with you…” he leaned in… “I’ve given myself the task of reading one hundred self help books” he said. I looked at him a little gob smacked. Very open. Must not judge. Or say anything that might sound mick taking. Say something intensely positive “Wow.. awesome.. great!” I replied.. almost offering a thumbs up.. but catching myself in the act. “Er… how many have you read so far?” I queried out of pure interest “I’m on number fifty one” he replied. “To be honest.. Eckhart Tolle changed my life” he peered at me. Probably thinking… ‘is she ready for this’.
“Who the fuck is Eckhart Tolle?” I replied grinning… oops. Remembering where I was.. “I mean” looking about me “I beg your pardon but who might Eckhart Tolle be?”
“A spiritualist influencer” he said. “He talks a lot about ego.. for instance …‘Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose’” he said smiling at me.
“And he talks a lot about.. negativity…” I got the impression this guy didn’t get my sense of humour. And I was at this point now too scared to make a joke.
To take a break from the intensity of the conversation I went to the toilet to powder my nose. And to take a break from the spiritual analysation I was currently undergoing. Phew! Unexpected! I thought to myself.
As I said we were in Mayfair. And next to me at the sink in the ladies was a very tall probably supermodel… brunette.
“Hi..” I smiled up at her in admiration. She was six foot one and had the tiniest waist. “How do you stay so… thin… and…where did you get your hair done” I asked in awe. General girl chat. She smiled knowingly looking down upon me past her perfectly powdered nose.. (not at me upon me).. “I only eat one meal a day” she laughed.. “and some day’s I eat nothing at all”. My stomach started to rumble. The conversation was making me hungry.
I returned to the table I was at. And began chatting with the guy again. She returned to her table. Which was next to ours.
She was surrounded by quite a few men. Which with all due respect to her seemed to be making her super happy. (I am not advocating anyone eating one meal a day to attract the opposite sex btw I’m just telling you the story in fact I could see in her eyes that she was quite close to doing something crazy – hunger can… do things to a person)…
Myself and the girl smiled and exchanged knowing looks and as I did the guy I was with eyes nearly popped out of his head as he looked over at her looking back. Oh for gawds sake. I’d just had an hour lecture about controlling the ego the least he could do was pretend he was practicing what he preached. But she was super hot so I understood.
Five minutes later he made a declaration..
“I need to leave let’s go” he said to me. Presumptuous. I thought. Firstly I hadn’t arrived with this guy and I certainly wasn’t leaving with him because he had to go. “You go.. here’s my number…” I said…scouting about for my friend.
“Oh.. great.. cool… I’ll ring you…” he smiled.
So we spent the next week chatting via text. And the conversation would usually go something like this.. “So how are you…” he would ask “I’m fine… got soaking wet in the rain today…” I would reply for instance. He would then usually follow it up with a quote.. “Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within.” Eckhart Tolle”
“Ok great thanks” I would usually reply. But after a while I stopped telling him what I’d been up to or how I was really feeling. All I could manage with my answers were a simple “I’m awesome! Thank you for asking!”. For I had started to gain a fear of judgement on my real feelings on the reality of what was actually happening in my life. Must not be negative. Must be ultimately positive attractive super confident female…
And ultimately I got exhausted by self censorship and not being able to express myself.
Because let’s be honest. And real for a minute here. Life is like a bit of a rainbow isn’t it. I don’t know about you – but some days I feel blue, some days I feel grey, some days I feel red and some days I feel the warm glow of the sunshine and that makes me feel multicoloured all at once. And don’t we want to be able to express that?
*Becki has however, taken the advice and downloaded some Eckhart Tolle.. and now is feeling.. super!!!! Thanks for asking.. ! She also really doesn’t claim to be any good at dating either.