FITNESS: THE FEAR
Three months and two weeks (and two days actually but hey who’s counting) I took myself to the doors of what I hoped would be… redemption. The desire to skip over this part is strong. And I might just indeed do that. A culmination of fear of judgement, other people’s opinions , advice and psychiatric diagnoses headed my way… “all you need to do Becki is..” … “if I was you I would…”… “why don’t you just…” … resulting in… “I think sometimes its easier to just say nothing at all”. But here I am writing about it and wondering where shaming and fear starts. The playground perhaps… where whispers, gossip and damaging ideas are vocalised… “did you hear about so and so” for example.. “he’s damaged goods…”.
I’m trying to type this on an tablet. God it’s hard work.
Anyway, with the utterances of “honesty is always the best policy” I tend to find myself thinking… “are you sure about that”. I am usually on a get fit and quit everything mission but generally have been on the first rung of the ladder or in a two steps forward and three steps back position. Stuck in that place where one can’t see any growth or progress but are learning some lessons at least.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom” Aristotle
But right this minute as I’m typing this… I’m two steps forward rather than several back. But I’m aware of how that can change. And thus I’ve learnt in my short yet occasional seemingly long life on planet earth that sometimes some things that ‘should’ be pretty simplistic can be harder than one thought to put into actual practice. I might tell myself I’m giving up coffee for example but by 7am the next morning when I’m reaching for the kettle my mind has already decided that that goal is going to be delayed til tomorrow. So three and a half months back I started training and working out with no specific goal in mind or outcome other than I wanted to feel better than I felt. Which was like crap. And something that was significantly holding me back in any of my fitness goals or getting to my desired weight was alcohol.
It was not a lack of working out that was the problem…I tried it all…bootcamps, yoga retreats but.. it wasn’t until I broke the spell with what I now see as a toxic substance (in my life) that anything else was going to work.
My first get fit goal was a 5k race… and to build up to this I started off small and regular. I was actually in rehab whilst I started this part and although one wasn’t/isn’t allowed off site alone… I knew I could get away with not being missed for an hour. I guess I was one of the less troublesome ‘inmates’ and didn’t need keeping an eye on. So off I started.. down the winding paths of the glorious British countryside on a blazing hot summers day with nothing but my music and a water bottle.
Which was totally fine until on my way back I found myself at a Wizard of Oz crossroad and had forgotten which way it was back to safety.
Left. Or was it right. Sh*t.
I was walking through a field wondering if anyone was aware I’d disappeared yet.. when I came across a man and his dog. Most probably looking beetroot red… he asked me if I was ok.
“Erm yes er..“ … “are you lost?” he queried. I wanted to ask for directions but didn’t want to admit where I was staying. It just sounded… stupid.
“Erm yeah.. er do you know where the main road is?” I queried…. he peered at me.
“Ok I’m staying at a huge house.. in about – er that direction do you know where it is?” I blurted it out.
“The rehab?!” he asked.
“Yes…the [bloody] rehab” I quickly shot back resisting the temptation to roll my eyes.
“Oh sure..that way” he pointed off into the distance.. ”it’s awful hot to be running around in this weather…be careful” he said slowly peering at me. I thought I sensed him trying to figure out what I was there for but he was probably just being considerate. After all…it probably happened ALL the time…people running away to get to an off licence for instance.
“Thank you” I shouted putting my headphones on and running in the direction his hand had waved at… as fast as I could trying to hide my embarrassment by the speed of my feet…which admittedly wasn’t fast enough…
I completed my first 10k a few weeks ago.. and have so far lost 17 pounds.. I’m working towards my next goal of running a half marathon.. which to be honest.. sounds like hell. Exercise/fitness for me is.. a huge motivation for staying on the right track. It clears my mind and exerts unused energy. I’m doing a culmination of British Military Fitness and Park Run‘s when I can fit them in. Although I’ve developed a bunionette from ill fitting trainers.. I’m pushing through.. I’m running a half marathon for ActionAid and Children’s Society.. sooooo..
PLEASE CONSIDER SPONSOR ME FOR A HALF MARATHON HERE:
Your motivation and support is greatly received.